Caring for someone with dementia requires a unique blend of patience, empathy, and specialized communication. In our experience providing home care across Los Angeles, we have learned that the words we choose can either build a bridge of connection or create a wall of frustration.

When a loved one’s cognitive abilities change, our natural communication patterns often need an update. Here are 20 things to avoid saying to someone with dementia, along with more supportive alternatives.

1. "Do you remember?"

Testing a person’s memory puts them on the spot and highlights their cognitive deficit. If the memory is gone, this question creates immediate anxiety, embarrassment, or a feeling of failure.

• What to say instead: Share the memory yourself to take the pressure off. "I was thinking about that trip we took to Santa Monica. The sunset over the pier was beautiful."

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2. "I just told you that."

Repetition is a physiological symptom of the disease, not a lack of attention. Pointing out that they have forgotten a recent statement causes shame and immediately halts the flow of conversation.

• What to say instead: Patiently answer the question as if it is being asked for the first time to maintain their dignity and keep them feeling safe.

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3. "Your mother passed away years ago."

Correcting a loved one about a death forces them to relive the trauma of the loss as if it just happened. This often leads to a cycle of fresh grief, confusion, and distrust.

• What to say instead: Use validation. Ask, "What was your mother like?" or "I know you miss her; tell me a favorite story about her."

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4. "You’re wrong, that didn't happen."

Directly contradicting their reality often leads to a defensive argument. Their brain is processing information differently, and factual accuracy matters much less than their current emotional state.

• What to say instead: Focus on the feelings behind the statement. If they insist they worked today, say, "You always worked so hard for our family; you've earned a rest."

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5. "Hurry up, we need to go!"

Dementia slows down the brain’s ability to process instructions and coordinate physical movements. Pressuring someone to move faster often results in "freezing," increased confusion, or a total refusal to move.

• What to say instead: Start the preparation process much earlier. Use calm, steady movements and give only one simple instruction at a time.

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6. "What did you do this morning?"

Open ended questions about the recent past are difficult because short term memory is usually the first to decline. This makes the person feel trapped or interrogated by their inability to answer.

• What to say instead: Provide a gentle prompt. "I saw you were reading the Los Angeles Times this morning. Did you see any interesting headlines?"

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7. "You can't do that."

Negative commands can feel patronizing and strip a person of their remaining autonomy. This often triggers a "no" response or resistive behavior as a way to maintain control.

• What to say instead: Frame the situation positively. Instead of "You can't go outside," try "Let's sit here in the sunroom and look at the garden for a bit."

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8. "Don't you know who I am?"

This is deeply painful for caregivers, but asking it creates a "test" the senior may fail. This leads to immense guilt and fear for the person with dementia, who may feel they are losing their identity.

• What to say instead: Always identify yourself when you enter the room. "Hi Dad, it’s your daughter, Sarah. I’m so happy to be here with you."

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9. "You're acting like a child."

Even if behaviors seem childlike, the individual is an adult with a lifetime of experience. Treating them like a child is demeaning and can permanently damage the trust in your caregiving relationship.

• What to say instead: Address the behavior without the label. If they are being stubborn, look for the underlying cause like physical discomfort, boredom, or a need for attention.

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10. "Why are you doing that?"

Logic and reasoning are often impaired in dementia patients. They likely do not know why they are doing a specific action and cannot provide a rational explanation, leading to further frustration.

• What to say instead: Observe the behavior to see if it meets a need. If they are pacing, they might need a walk or a restroom; redirect them toward the solution.

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11. "I’ll do it for you." (Before they try)

Taking over tasks too quickly leads to "learned helplessness." It is vital for seniors to maintain their remaining motor skills and sense of purpose for as long as possible.

• What to say instead: Offer "hand over hand" assistance or break the task into tiny, manageable steps they can successfully complete on their own.

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12. "Talk to [Name], not me."

Speaking about the person in the third person while they are present is isolating and hurtful. It signals to them that they are no longer a participant in their own life or decisions.

• What to say instead: Always include the individual in the conversation. Make eye contact and give them a chance to respond, even if it is just through a nod or a smile.

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13. "Go down the hall, turn left, and look for the second door."

Multi step directions are overwhelming for a brain struggling with spatial awareness and sequencing. They will likely get lost or feel defeated halfway through the process.

• What to say instead: Give one direction at a time, or simply say, "Walk with me," and guide them directly to the destination.

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14. "You're being difficult."

Labeling the person as the problem ignores the fact that the disease is the problem. Their "difficulty" is usually a reaction to a stimulus they cannot process or a need they cannot verbalize.

• What to say instead: View the behavior as a communication of an unmet need. Ask yourself if they are hungry, tired, in pain, or perhaps overstimulated by noise.

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15. "Calm down!"

Agitation is a physiological response to fear or confusion. Simply telling someone to stop the feeling doesn't work and usually increases their level of distress by making them feel unheard.

• What to say instead: Lower your own energy and volume. Speak in a quiet, melodic voice and try to redirect them to a soothing activity like listening to familiar music.

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16. "I'm leaving if you don't listen!"

Using threats of abandonment creates a "fight or flight" response. This causes long term anxiety and breaks the bond of trust necessary for a safe and successful caregiving environment.

• What to say instead: Take a "therapeutic time out." Say, "I’m going to go get us some fresh water," then step away for a minute to compose yourself and reset the mood.

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17. "That’s not your house."

When a person with dementia asks to go home, they are often expressing a desire for comfort, safety, and familiarity rather than a specific physical address.

• What to say instead: Don't argue about the location. Say, "You are safe here with me. Tell me what you love most about your favorite home."

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18. "You just ate lunch."

Metabolic changes or memory loss can make a person feel genuinely hungry again. Denying their physical sensation based on "the clock" leads to unnecessary conflict and physical discomfort.

• What to say instead: Offer a small, healthy snack or a beverage. Sometimes a glass of water or a quick distraction is enough to move past the feeling of hunger.

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19. "Don't do that!"

Short, sharp "no" commands can be startling and may trigger an aggressive or defensive reaction. It focuses on the negative behavior rather than offering a helpful solution.

• What to say instead: Use redirection. If they are picking at their skin, give them a piece of soft fabric to fold or a "fidget" item to keep their hands occupied.

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20. "Everyone is looking at you."

Attempting to use social pressure or embarrassment to stop a behavior rarely works because the person may no longer understand social cues. It only adds to their confusion and social anxiety.

• What to say instead: Focus on getting them to a quiet, private area where they feel less overwhelmed by the environment and can regain their composure.

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Supporting Your Family in Los Angeles

Providing memory care is a marathon, not a sprint. If you find yourself struggling to communicate with a loved one, our Los Angeles based team is here to help.

We provide trained caregivers who understand the nuances of dementia, allowing you to focus on being a family member again.